Angels do not exist, babe...

The phone is ringing.

It is My., she told me that I have lost my phone...
I start thinking : "ouah, I didn't notice it ! Fuck ! Once and again...".
I start wondering about all the procedure to block and replace it...fucking materialist society.
Lost in these thoughs I heard : "it is at your usual bar, the owner told me that u just have to pass by".

So...
I am cold.
I am gonna suffer tomorrow, for I have to leave my winter hairs.
I am like a cat.
Yesterday, from my bed, I heard one cat, screaming from outside (where there is no peace), (s)he was trapped in a garage, for I can understand cats.
I think that I am the only one who heard it...


Lovely dark side.



***************************************************************************

- B. "That's amazing. What are you?
Some sort of angel visiting me from one of my drunk fantasies?
How can you be so good?"


- S. (voice-over)
"I think we realized that we didn't have long and accepted it. My charm, for him, was that I accepted him exactly as he was and didn't expect him to change. I think we both realized that about each other. B. needed me and I liked his drama. I loved him."

Let's play a game

This Mister T. stuff.

Enter into the room and get out of here (or die tryin').

Go EAST...

Done, next ride for Istanbul.
I only took the tickets, I don't have planned anything.
'Course I will visit my homeboy Thomas (T. leaves there for he followed his destiny).

Level 3 of the integration process

1. Office :
- My indirect colleagues start to invite me for diner at their place (already done with my direct ones).
- I am in for the secret parties, moreover I am part of the organization.
- I got my offices "tour".

2. Social easy goin' night life :
- When I go out, I always meet someone that I know.
- My phone rings also on Sunday for freestyle parties.
- I am phoned on the week for planning the week end' evenings.
- I am invited for some cultural events.
- I start to need a schedule to manage my social life.

3. Hype side of the city :
- I got invitation for a fashion hype event (I also got a bottle of good wine).
- I also got an invitation for a big cultural and social hype events.


Things are getting serious, I am becoming an uncircumvent protoganist...

Meet Joe Black...

Once upon a time a guy, his name was Joe, for he is so common...
Joe is a nice guy, those kind that are tolerant, humanist and so nice with people.
Joe always got a girlfriend, Joe is not the kind of guy who spend one-night stand (for Joe got some erection problems with girls that he does not know for a while, isn't it lovely ?).

Joe is a Male, brown hair, hairy like an animal, but still so nice.
Joe is a housework guy, he cleans so nicely (Joe is somehow maniac).
Joe is so nice that he is the kind of guy which u fall in love with...

But Joe got a strange habit.
Joe always got a girlfriend to feel safe, and then Joe fuck with somebody else (in secret).
Joe will never give up his girlfriend for the night secret lover, never !!! He is so nice to do that.
Joe is so nice that he doesn't want to hurt anyone. Joe is never rude with anyone, it's not his bag. Joe stays quiet 'till the dark side girls leave (for there are many of them).

Joe likes to travel with his girlfriend and spend time with her share moment with her.
And after 2 years with the same girlfriend, Joe always give up with her, crying and explaining that he is not a nice guy, she deserves better than him.
Because Joe does not want to let her getting too closed to him and being hurt.
History repeats again...

Joe is so nice...
Joe is silent, Joe is mysterious, Joe is an illusion...

The problem with illusion is that they don't have bad side, and girls usually full in silence with what they want and take lack of conversation for mystery.

Maybe Joe is weak, maybe Joe is afraid of being closed to anyone.
Still, Joe needs people, can't live by himself. He can't stand loneliness 'cause it leads to face up to himself.
Actually it is hard for Joe to face to himself for he is a prick...

In fact this buck got a serious lack of indenpendance and courage.
He doesn't have balls.
Joe is a fucking asshole !

Hey Joe,
know what ?
Fuck you !!!

;)

It's was a beautiful day !!!

Sun & blue sky. Springtime is back !!!

Fresh Flesh

Yesterday (all my troubles seemed so far away...),
I had to cook for new homies.
I cooked meat...
U know that I don't eat meat since ever I was 2 years old. I don't care about the small animals, I only do not like the taste and the texture.

Starting to cut it, I felt a bit disturbed, somehow I don't really like what I was doin', and It was like taking it with two fingers and act like a cheer leader !!!
So I took my courage and took this meat and cut it like hell.

It was weird, for I felt like Comte de Lautréamont' (french writor) hero...
I had a kind of exaltation mixed with something else.
As I was cutting, and more and more enjoying it, I felt like I was about to vomit...

Wildy cutting the meat was so disgusting and so pleasant at the same time.


L. told me that in Lacan theory, Pleasure and Displeasure are the component of the same dynamics. There is a switch point (a kind of thin line), which make you pass from one to the other.

I walked on the thin line...
I am not like this all the time.



****************************************************************************

"I was waiting like a knife
to cut open your heart
and bleed my soul to you..."





Patri, me hizo mucho illuzion, aunque no se notaba...

Even if there is no peace...

outside my window...




there is peace inside,





and that's why I should no longer run...

Not like this all the time...

Sometimes in Cameroun,
Sometimes in U.S.A.,
Sometimes in Brazil,
Sometimes in Spain,
Sometimes in Danemark,
Sometimes in Sahara,
Sometimes in Germany,
Sometimes in Egypt,
This time in Paris,
Sometimes in Bordeaux...



*************************************************************


"Do I know you from somewhere?
Why do you leave me wanting more?
Why do all the things I say
Sound like the stupid things I've said before?

(Put your hand on my skin)

Kiss me, I'm dying
Put your hand on my skin
I close my eyes
I need to make a connection
I'm walking on a thin line
I close my eyes
I close my eyes

Touch me, I'm trying
To see inside of your soul
I've got this thing
I want to make a correction
I'm not like this all the time
You've got this thing
You've got this thing

Kiss me, I'm dying
Put your hand on my skin
I close my eyes
I need to have your protection
I close my eyes
I close your eyes

(Kiss, kiss, kiss me)

Kiss me, I'm dying
Touch me, I'm trying, ohhh
I'm not like this all the time
I'm not like this all the time
I'm not like this all the time"



To L., u r so beautiful when u r fragile this way...

The landslide brought it down

It is 16h30, I just broke my jerk' syndrom.
I exactly followed up Stevie Nicks prophecy:


"I took my love, I took it down
I climbed a mountain and I turned around
And I saw my reflection in the snow covered hills
’til the landslide brought it down
Oh, mirror in the sky, what is love?
Can the child within my heart rise above?
Can I sail through the changing ocean tides?
Can I handle the seasons of my life?
Well, I’ve been afraid of changing cause i’ve
Built my life around you
But time makes you bolder
Even children get older
And I’m getting older, too"



Accomplished ?
Still don't know, but I think that it is the begining of something bigger (than universe).
My life will never be as I planned it many years ago, the fairy tale (or malediction) is over.

Let the time and the universe accomplish theirs chaotic plans.

I know what u did last summer...

A bad rude cop stopped me.
I opened the window.
He looked at me, straight in the eyes.
(I had a problem with the insurance paper)
He slowly told me how much it should cost, how wrong I should be, how deep should be my problematic situation...
He stood like few long minutes, starring at me.

I told him that I'll think about that later on, not here, when I'll have more time.
He didn't answer.
I told him bye.
He stayed there.

Lovely dark side.

Spéciale dédicace à Phase

La lettre

- Eric : Cher Ramzy, je suis bien arrivé à Dniepenitrovsk, cependant, déjà, cette ville me fait peur : une terre (t)inconnue, le froid est dans le coeur des hommes, il me semble que cette ville est faite de pierres, et non d'hommes. Bien affectueusement, ton fidèle compagnon, (n)Eric.
- Ramzy : Cher (n)Eric, ta lettre m'a fait chaud (n)au coeur. Toi aussi tu nous manques à Paris tu sais ! Tu laisses un grand vide à Saint-Germain-des-Prés. Tu parles dans ta lettre du froid dans le coeur des hommes, mais as-tu déjà oublié cette citation de Richsberg... Agabegawenaha... : " Le froid est la nature de l'homme. ". Bien affectueusement, ton compagnon de toujours, Ramzy.
- Eric : Ramzy, ta citation de Richsberg...Agawaha...ché pas quoi là, me renvoie à une exclamation d'Haroun Tazieff, arrivé au pied du Vésuve, ce vieil homme écrivait ces quelques mots : "Aïe aïe aïe purée c'est chaud un volcan, franchement, j'suis trop con, j'aurais du prendre des gants. ".
- Ramzy : Merci (n)Eric, ta citation d'Haroun Tazieff m'a fait dire non à la drogue. Mais ta citation me rappelle une autre citation, celle d'un petit lapin, il disait ces quelques mots : "Attention, ne met pas tes mains sur la porte, tu risques de te faire pincer très fort. "
- Eric : Waouh, ça fout les boules ce que tu m'écris là. Car justement, à ce propos, sais-tu que ce matin, un lapin a tué un chasseur. C'était un lapin qui...
- Ramzy : ...avait un fusil, oui. Tu sais, moi aussi je lis la presse. Mais au fait (n)Eric, ne souffres-tu pas trop de la censure, là-bas à Netr...?
- Eric : Dniepenitrovsk ! Oui effectivement, je souffre terriblement de la censure ici, d'ailleurs, mon premier ouvrage "Fantomas dans mon slip " n'est même pas paru !
- Ramzy : Quel gâchis (n)Eric, mais rassure toi, ton chef-d'oeuvre " Fantomas a des croûtes " se vend très bien, on se l'arrache même.
- Eric : Cher Ramzy, je suis bien arrivé à Dniepenitrovsk, cependant, déjà, cette ville me fait peur : une terre (t)inconnue, le froid est dans le coeur des hommes, il me semble...
- Ramzy : Eric, oh ! Arrête de te foutre de ma gueule deux secondes, je l'ai déjà reçue cette lettre, ok ! Au fait (n)Eric, je ne t'ai pas dit ?
- Eric : Non. Ramzy : Mais voyons (n)Eric, tu te rappelles de ce libraire chez qui tu allais tout le temps...? Eric : Ah ouaips, il était super sympa avec moi, il allait me chercher à la sortie de l'école, il m'a fait découvrir Verlaine je crois, Baudelaire aussi, Shakespeare dans la langue en plus, en anglais je me souviens, parfois il m'offrait des bonbecs...
- Ramzy : Et bien il est mort.
- Eric : C'est pas vrai ! Cher Ramzy, c'est justement dans ces moments là que j'aurais besoin de tes grands bras maigres. Sache cher Ramzy, que je pense souvent (t)à toi.
- Ramzy : Cher (n)Eric, c'est très joli ce que tu me dis, mais sache qu'on ne dit pas " souvent (t)à toi ", mais " souvent (n)à toi ".
- Eric : (t)à toi, (n)à toi, peu (t)importe !
- Ramzy : Mais non, non pas peu (t)importe, la langue française est une noble langue, respecte-la donc espèce de petit con.
- Eric : Ecris-moi encore une seule fois petit con et je rentre à Paris, ça va tatanner ta gueule grave !
- Ramzy : Petit con, tiens, petite merde, petit con, petit con...
- Ramzy : Cher (n)Eric, j'ai dû partir précipitamment, et puis tu sais il ne fallait pas lire " petit con, petit con " dans la dernière lettre, mais " potiron, potiron ". Par contre, si tu tournes la feuille, tu pourras lire " Va te faire enculé ! "


(Merci à Flo et Dan pour le texte : http://flo57.free.fr/)

Realizing

Yesterday, I met by chance: a client of my ex-job, a friend M., P. (Risk).

By the night, I missed an appointment with new fellows.
Instead of meeting them, I "really met" someone that I knew for many years...

How does it feels to be heard and to listen ?
How does it feel the trust and the way you can share your weakness, dreams and distress...?
How can we imagine, how rich and more achieved we can feel...

I tried so hard to look beneath the surface in an effort to get to know people, that maybe I was not aware that some of them could do the same thing to me.
The issue is if we are ready to be totally open and reveal ourself ?
I don't think so, that's why I am clear about my inner boundaries.

I am too wild to be held.
Yet, too recluse,
enough lonesome to never be alone.
Still, I want to be a stumbleine ...


***********************************************************************************


"So you scream from behind your door
Say what's mine is mine and not yours
I may have too much but i'll take my chances
'cause god's stopped keeping score
And you cling to the things they sold you
Did you cover your eyes when they told you
That he can't come back
'cause he has no children to come back for
It's hard to love there's so much to hate
Hanging on to hope when there is no hope to speak of
And the wounded skies above say it's much too late
So maybe we should all be praying for time"

Leaving...

"- Are you okay ? Do you feel alright with that ?
- ... Sorry ?
- I said: Do you feel alright with that ? I mean, you are here, impacting and obsiously there won't be any hope of keeping on...
- Don't get your point...(lying).
- I see that you are here, enjoying, I can see that then, you can be anywhere else, still enjoying. Are you okay with that ?
- ...Yes, I take it like that. (lying again).
- Don't you dare if we'd talk 'bout that together ?(shining).
- I don't. (smiling).
- Listen, you 'd have, one day, to be tired of riding and then maybe no longer run...for many reasons... (straight naked-eyes look).
- I don't think so...I won't... (looking at her shoes).
(...)

- I believe in our own way (indepth look).
- So I do...(indepth glimpse).
- You are so sweet... (openning his eyes wide and looking at her)
- ...(smiling again).
(...)

- I have to leave. (sad)
- Okay, anyway I have to handle many others things. (proud)
(...)

- I have to go far away from here. I decided it, it's my way. I have to leave...
You understand for u r like me. (bitter and sweet)
- Yes, I do. See you... (wondering and wandering again)"



Then he left...the preacher.
Perhaps, I should wait before leaving.
For wheter I am S. or not, He is not B.




- B. (voice over):
"Are you desirable? Are you irresistible? Maybe if you drank bourbon with me, it would help. Maybe if you kissed me and I could taste the sting in your mouth, it would help. If you drank bourbon with me naked... if you smelled of bourbon as you fucked me, it would help... it would increase my esteem for you. If you poured bourbon on to your naked body and said to me... drink this... - ... if you spread your legs and had bourbon dripping from your breasts and your vagina and said drink here... then I could fall in love with you, because then I would have a purpose, to clean you up, and that would prove that I'm worth something. I'd lick you clean so you could go away and fuck someone else."

- BANK GIRL
"Next!"

Photos souvenirs

"Quelqu'un m'a demandé juste hier après-midi
Si je me souvenais de toi
Il m'a montré toutes ses photos d'amis
Et j'en ai vu trop de toi
Les clichés d'un week-end en Angleterre
Quelques diapos d'un de nos anniversaires
Enfin juste de quoi tout remuer
Avec une envie folle
De te retrouver
Et de te chercher partout
De te retrouver

Et puis j'ai repris ce matin mon job à huit heures pile
Et là j'ai tout oublié
C'est drôle de voir comme les heures qui défilent
Peuvent à ce point tout changer
Après tout je me fous de l'Angleterre
Et j'aurai bien d'autres anniversaires
Je vis la vie que je voulais mener
A quoi bon tout changer
Pour te retrouver
Et puis te chercher partout
Pour te retrouver

Après tout je me fous de l'Angleterre
Et j'aurai bien d'autres anniversaires
Je vis la vie que je voulais mener
A quoi bon tout changer
Pour te retrouver
Et puis te chercher partout
Un peu n'importe où

Peut-être à Paris, à Neuilly, à Passy, à Lagny, à Bondy, à Grigny, à Parly, à Nancy,
à Trouville, à Blonville, à Deauville, à Tourville, au Tréport, à Newport, à Bangkok, à New-York,
à Rabat, à Djerba, à Oslo, à Tokyo à Kyoto, à Stronzo,
à Paris, à Neuilly, à Passy, à Lagny, à Bondy, à Grigny, à Parly, à Nancy,
à Trouville, à Blonville, à Deauville, à Tourville, au Tréport, à Newport, à Bangkok, à New-York,
à Rabat, à Djerba, à Oslo, à Tokyo, à Kyoto, à Stronzo... "

Travelers repose and dream among my leaves.

Woke up at 5.00 AM, working 'till 9.00, went to the office.
Recycling people over and over.

One shot, supermarket, odd guy...
Lunch Time : noisy, ate too much.
Went down town for a ride. I met nice guy, get some trade off from him on some shoes.
A bike passed by with a strange bell and rode by a sweet smiler...

Rain, nice non-smoker-intellectual-only-dressed-in-black-I-read-Balzac' bar, so I had a cake...
In front of me, the sweet rider of the bike with the strange bell.

Then, passing next to my ex-usual bar, saw Ph. Seemed to be happy to see me.
Again, the bike passed by with the strange bell and rode by the same the sweet smiler...

Home, diner (noisy), burnt fish, nice evening...
The gipsy camp remains here.
Finally, talked to Liza (sun shined inside my flat).
Felt down, twice, I wasn't drunk, weird stuff on the floor on the way to the kitchen. Broke a glass (I definitively think that plastic glasses fit more to my way of life...). Talked to a stranger on the phone.

Again.
Woke up too early for a vampire (3.30 AM).
Worked, phone (Bibi call), problems...
And as a perfect unstable person, I am looking forward to travelling to my next unknow destination.
- Silence -
Still, some nice fellows pass by tonight.
It's wenesday, long will be the week.


***********************************************************************************


I miss some of you...too silent those weeks.

- "The fool who persists in his folly will become wise." -
I finally changed my tickets...

Ca ghet's ?

Gut, gut ,gut !!!

Ca y est, ils sont tarrifés...
Ch'attendait ça depuis plusieurs mois (depuis la pière de noel). Pasque les fisites ça fé touchours plaizir. Ils defaients fenir au début en woiture mais finalement l'afion c'est plus rapide.

Là, je les ai laissés devant Mary Poppins (normal...). Eux aussi, ils arrifent d'un pays merfeilleux : le winter-land, le pays ou c'est fert au printemps et planc en hifer. Pas comme le pays de chnecks ou je suis en ce moment, Godfortomi...!!!

Le Winter-land me manque et la snaow aussi. Cette année, pour la première fois che ne suis pas allée au chriskinkendelmarik (ouais je sais, il faudrait mieux que je n'écrife pas en V.A., j'maitrise pas assez). L'étendue des difervisités culturelles aussi manque, ch'veux dire le Haut-Rhin n'a rien avoir le Pas-Rhin, y qu'a foir, à Colmar ils disent Manala, au lieu de Menele...
Ca me rappelle qu'ici, y pichent que dalle à la Saint Nicolas, au Fendredi Saint, et au lendemain de Noel (c'est vraiment des sauvages !).

Pour fous dire, ils ne font même pas de pières (ni de marz, ni de noel) et ils ne safent ce que c'est qu'une Winstub ou une Beerstub, ils sont grafes, non ? En plus, ils ont le tram mais ont pas Langstross, Krimeri, l'Elsau, etc...

La Walck, Vendenheim, Oberschaeffolsheim, Pfaffenoffen, Bischheim, Molsheim, me manquent, ici tous les fillages finissent en "ac", c'est trop bizarre. Ch'dirais qu'ici, c'est le côté opscur de l'intérieur. Parfois, quand on me demande d'où che fiens, ch'ai enfie de direu "ich bin de l'autre bord !" mais ca peut prêter à confuzions.

Sinon, ils m'ont fait de ponnes plagues :
- C'est fert, ça commence par un "c" et ça fait croa croa... :
la crenouille !!!
- Tu connais le lac Planc ? Et le lac Noir ? et le lac Mich Am Arch ?

Hop là, guys, à la prôchaine !!!
tshuss !!!
Bye!!!... ça feut dire "Ciao" en anglais !



Ps : Je tiens à remercier Dolo, sans qui, la réalisation de ce post n'aurait pas pu se faire, elle m'a quasiment tout appris en V.A.

Home again...sing that song of pain.

This week meant to be holidays. Still, I'll have to work (a lot).
I got some visit, Liza came and just left, charming the atmosphere...
(Maybe this sweet witch will come back).

Home, silence.
In a while, maybe minutes, maybe hours, no more silence...
Noise, laughs, glasses, plates, diner...



This week end a young teenager died...
Youth, night, maybe drinking, smoking, whatever...
A train, he is dead...
Maybe no one cares of this Brazzaville native, this young unknow naughty black guy...
I do.
His friend was with him, totally shoked, did not get hurt...physically.
He should be so sad, feeling so guilty...
This young 15 years-old-guy is too proud to express it, but still, he is sensitive...


While I was writing these words, someone rang the bell.
A guy, businessman looking for buying a building nearby, "Do you understand ? It is really important to me...Can't u give any informations ?..."
Life is so beautifully ridiculous...

Espain...

Makes me breathe.

Me encanta estar aha, el sol, los pinchos, tomar los vinos, fumar por la calle, por los bares...
Joder, tio, flipo, osea, y eso....

Ya lo tengo claro, elige pirame por aha, cada dos por tres !

Espain no es solamente playa, sol, arriba, y costa brava. Espain es tambien el norte, Pais Basco, Asturias, Galicia, Léon, La Rioja, Picos de Europa, Semana santa, Hiberno, nieble, El Virezo....

Espain es tambien, Amigos de salida, pero aun hay amigos de verdad.
España es la caña, el tinto, la tortilla, los hojaldres, Sabina, Urquijo, La pantoja, La Belen, El Farruquito, El Jesulin, La Mala Rodriguez, Ojos de Brujos, Barricada, Los Suaves, Gustavo Adolfo Becquer, La Tienda...


"Tengo mis amigos en mi soledad,
cuando estoy con ellos, que lejos estan"
Antonio Machado

España, te quiero tanto que a veces te odio !
(Nobel, porque menos es mas)

Os dejo, pero con tanto animo y aliento...

Patri, me hizo illusion

Riding

I am at the tank station.
Riding again...

Why do people wanna get an accurate amoung of money for their oil ?
(Nevrotic squadradic habit)
I always put oil 'till the ultimate limit, stopping waiting for oil getting down to the reservoir, and then putting again...stopping...waiting,
putting...
Cuz I don't wanna waste time to come again for fulling this bloody reservoir...
Time is precious, has to be lost only for free, not for doin' fonctional stuff.

We can get internet nearly everywhere, so when do we get teletransportation system ?

Ps : And, why the hell, bloody bastards always think that to seduce a woman, u have to drive like an asshole ?!
Yesterday, I have been really rude, I think that some bloody bastards got shoked...

Message personnel

"Est beau tout ce qui s'éloigne de nous après nous avoir frôlés. Est beau le déséquilibre profond - le manque d'aplomb et de voix - que cause en nous ce léger heurt d'une aile blanche. La beauté est l'ensemble de ces choses qui nous traversent et nous ignorent, aggravant soudain la légèreté de vivre."


"Ce qui est douloureux, c'est qu'il est impossible d'expliquer quelque chose à quelqu'un qui ne l'a pas déjà compris. On peut seulement parler à quelqu'un qui en a le pressentiment et qui souffre de ne pas avoir de lumières là-dessus."

Stoned immaculate

Somebody is entering in my flat...
It's 9 o'clock in the morning, my alarm rang at 8h00, still didn't move from my warm bed.

Later on..., the bell is ringing. Two guys, fancy, well-educated and on-time.
A dog is barking.

I got a table. A nice, big, ancien one (Henri the idon'trememberwhichnumber th).
I got plan to have some chairs.
Moreover, I got a plan to have diner (my fridge is quite okay).

I got also the utmost of simple plans :
Go to las vegas, leaving...


See ?





"I'll tell you this...
No eternal reward will forgive us now
For wasting the dawn.
Back in those days everything was simpler and more confused
One summer night, going to the pier
I ran into two young girls
The blonde one was called Freedom
The dark one Enterprise
We talked and they told me this story
Now listen to this...
I'll tell you about Texas radio and the big beat
Soft driven, slow and mad
Like some new language
Reaching your head with the cold, sudden fury of a divine messenger
Let me tell you about heartache and the loss of god
Wandering, wandering in hopless night
Out here in the perimeter there are no stars
Out here we are stoned
Immaculate."

Implicit volatility

Do u remember the bar I used to go ?
I think that I am not welcome anymore.
Everything started when I thought that I was fed up with place. People started to get boring.
For I know that I got a natural tendancy to be too lazy to go somewhere else (habits are so easy and warm), I (unconsciously) made everything to drive the owner and the usual guys, made.

Done (I am damn good at this game).
So, tonight, I'm gonna explore a new area of the city, nearby my place. The fancy parisians area, let see...


O. left this afternoon.
He is seriously thinking about coming and living here.

Crestfallen

I have bad temper, I am curious, silent, skilless, proud, authoritative, talkative, excessive, exalted, stressed, skillful, restless, idealistic, tough, sensitive, strong, fragile, honest, impatient, paradoxal, blue-eyed, awkward, aggressive, whimsical, pathetic, sentimental, responsible, cynical, clever, sarcastic, arrogant, tragegic, crazy, responsable, irrational, mystical, logical, optimistic, pessimitic, stumbleine, dumb, wild, bright, cold, warm, dark, deep, easy-going, distant, simple, complex, great, quiet, real, strange, weird, odd, wide, funny, scary, kind, lazy, tall, adventurous, independant, creative, boring, old-fashioned, tolerant, adaptable, instable, open-minded, comprehensive, shy, helpful, humble, chaotic, organized, charming, selfish, short tempered, absent-minded, sociable, friendly, insane, confused, unreliable, reasonable, uncompromising, sweet, horrible, exuberant, tactful, weak, partial, boring and creative.


- Who says that humans beings have to be coherent ???
- Wasn't me !

Você não entende nada

And nobody nowhere understands anything
About me and all my dreams.


"Quando eu chego em casa nada me consola
Você está sempre aflita
Lágrimas nos olhos, de cortar cebola
Você é tão bonita
Você traz a coca-cola
eu tomo
Você bota a mesa,
eu como, eu como
Eu como, eu como, eu como
Você não está entendendo
Quase nada do que eu digo
Eu quero ir-me embora
Eu quero é dar o fora
E quero que você venha comigo
E quero que você venha comigo
Eu me sento, eu fumo,
eu como, eu não aguento
Você está tão curtida
Eu quero tocar fogo neste apartamento
Você não acredita
Traz meu café com suita eu tomo
Bota a sobremesa eu como, eu como
Eu como, eu como, eu como
Você tem que saber que
eu quero correr mundo
Correr perigo
Eu quero é ir-me embora
Eu quero dar o fora
E quero que você venha comigo
E quero que você venha comigo"

Keeping away from idealization

Most of the psychological pathologies are due to a gap between our ideal vision of something, and the "effective" configuration of this thing in reality. Actually, the process of idealization, is dangerous, since it is a process that leads to devalorization...
And the main problem of illusions is that they do not have default.

Remember my dream of the mirror guy : "To appreciate someone, is not appreciating his/her qualities, but to get to know his dark side and appreciate him/her for that."
That's why I like to talk honestly (bout fnux, shit, bezou, ...). This is a process that helps me (& u) to remain in a pragmatic view of the world. So, please forgive my strange way of curing (u &) myself...





"It's you that I adore
You'll always be my whore
You'll be the mother to my child
And a child to my heart
We must never be apart

Lovely girl
you're the beauty in my world
Without you there aren't reasons left to find
And I'll pull your crooked teeth
You'll be perfect just like me
You'll be a lover in my bed
And a gun to my head
We must never be apart

In you I see dirty
In you I count stars
In you I feel so pretty
In you I taste god
In you I feel so hungry
In you I crash cars
We must never be apart

Drinking mercury
To the mystery of all that you should ever seek to find
Lovely girl you're the murder in my world
Dressing coffins for the souls I've left behind
In time
We must never be apart

And you'll always be my whore
Cause you're the one that i adore
And I'll pull your crooked teeth
You'll be perfect just like me

In you I feel so dirty in you I crash cars
In you I feel so pretty in you I taste god
We must never be apart"


By the way, Dolo, u r really shity in terms of soul's healing, but still I adore u...

Child in time

Tonight, I am supposed to go out, I will not...
I want to stay at home, alone.
I feel down...I am not a prophet or a stoneage man, just a mortal with potential of a superman.
When will I arrive ? I am tired by such a journey.

O. is coming at home for 3 days, I don't wanna talk...
This will be a quiet visit.



Never demand anything - wait.
Never, justify to anybody what you are living - laugh.
Never thing that you are the cause of something good - laugh, again.
Never look for an help - wait, still.

Ne jamais exiger quoi que ce soit - attendre.
Ne jamais, à personne, rendre compte de ce que tu vis - rire.
Ne jamais t'imaginer cause d'un bien - rire, encore.
Ne jamais chercher une aide - attendre, encore.


Patri buscame

Off mice and men...

I am sick... still had to find something to eat...
(surviving in a city is more about knowing how to drive and use a credit card). I met the everyday people...those who don't have a job...unemployed, retired...

One of them, a Lady, the talked to me, waiting and queuing in order to get our post mail. She was talking about people who lives down town in the unsafe area...
But instead of saying, the drug addict, the poor, the black, the arabic, foreigners, immigrant, "those" people, delinquents, gangsters, robbers, rabble or whatever,

She used the term "unhappy people"...
How sweet, preciously accurate and fully sensitive word...
This woman had a "je ne sais quoi" that keeps faith alive.

Do u remember...

Today, I had some news from Mister T. (my danish londoner homie), he got heart attack problems.
We used to ride...

Trips we done, the time we'd share, the cleverness I gave u ;), christmas, beers, italian restaurant in Boston, sharing room with strange danes in Back bay, ride by night in Paris, Austin P., Burt Bacharach, sol grun, Christmas tree hunting, kartoffel, Fotex, your bloody Ford, my nice Opel, your bridge, your golf, your pétanque, your rooten eggs, your meat, my veggies and fruits, the swedish elves of the lord of the ring...

We're getting older fellow.

Do u remember...
- The time of the New Kids on the Blocks and their "Step by Step", Danny Wood, Joey McIntyre, the Knight Brothers and Donnie Wahlberg.
- When Mark Wahlberg, was a the brother of Donnie and a singer called "Marky Mark".
- The time, when we can't distinguish Corey Haim (young teenagers'movies actor) from Corey Hart (famous singer of "sunglass at night").
- The Billy Ray Cirrus' "Achy breaky heart"...and his own way of dancing.
- When Pia Zadora was not a playboy covery yet but an actress ("The Voyage of the Rock Alien") and a singer ("The rain Begins to fall") just as Germaine Jackson...
- When Berlin got its wall.
- When Kylie Minogue was an awful hasbeenbeforebeing singer, with Jason "I am dumb" Donovan ("Especially for you"), and soap actress in "Neighbors".
- When Michael Douglas was the son of Kirk, and a T.V. actor in "The streets of San Francisco".
- When Atari was the Thing and Packman a great game.
- When the music of Stardust "The music sounds better with you" was called "Fate" and sung by Chaka Khan.
- When S-express was not the name of a train or a coffee, but a bloody good band.
- When Van Basten was not a coach but one of the greatest soccer player in the world and when Danemark had a real soccer team (Laudrupt Bros).

When we were young and innocent then...


"Shakedown 1979,
cool kids never have the time
on a live wire right up off the street
you and i should meet
junebug skipping like a stone
with the headlights pointed at the dawn
we were sure we'd never see an end to it all
and i don't even care to shake these zipper blues
and we don't know
just where our bones will rest
to dust i guess
forgotten and absorbed into the earth below
double cross the vacant and the bored
they're not sure just what we have in the store
morphine city slippin dues down to see
that we don't even care as restless as we are"

Strange Attractors

Once, I met an odd but really nice guy in Copenhagen,
I was in a bar, talking to a friend, then he came, asking if we dare that he takes place...
I was listening to my friend story, I said directly yes.
He kept staring at me.

Let me introduce you Steeve, english fellow, coming from L.A. working for a museum, and totally crazy.

We spent the whole night from a bar to another bar...
And then, we get on the same waves length, cuz listening to his stories, some words came to my mind, and I said : "Beautiful Losers".

He looked at me, wondering if it was really what he heard.
He didn't ask anything, we were there, everything was suddenly completly clear.
My friend asked many times what these words means,
we managed to answer something bout a poem, a guy, a feeling.

Today, waking up, I figured out two things :
- Beautiful Losers,
- I wish I were a seahorse...


" So you're the kind of vegetarian
that only eats roses -
is that what you mean
with your beautiful losers ".


"A person who eats meat
wants to get his teeth into something
A person who does not eat meat
wants to get his teeth into something else
If these thoughts interest you for even a moment
you are lost"

Caminante

Tonight I went for a diner with a girl I met before.

She is quite like me, as tall, as brown, as dark, as humanist, as sensitive, as traveller, as hunter, as I am.
She told me about her life, trip to everywhere in the world, especially in Alexandrie.

She is been living in Bordeaux for three years, and still wondering whether is it for her or not.
Still putting into question her ability to fit to this weird city.
Is she done for this kind of no-alarm-and-no-surprise life ?
But so far, don't we all have one day to stop and fix somewhere ?
Is it pathetic to keep this no habits and no home life ?

I share this questions...
Where is the point of no return in this kind of life, is it a characteristic of young people life ?
Do we really have to become folks ?
Do folks have to be boring, risk averse, conservative people ?

As human being, do we have to follow sedentarism ?
Are we strong enough to keep on holding a gipsy life ?

What will be the long run consequences ?

To sum up :
- Are we risk averse or risk taker ? This is something we have to decide.
- How many bucks for our happiness ? This level has to be set...
- What should we do ? What is the best way ?

To quote A. Machado :
"Caminante, caminante,
No hay camino, el camino se hace al andar..."


I'll see her again, something to discover, something to understand...

Farevel and good night

Welcome to the Machine

This message is dedicated to Dolo.

First of all, I should open my post mail everyday and not expecting sunday for that...bad surprises !
So, I'm mad about things from here.

Dolo is hangin' around, I'm glad that she took the time to call me.
Explaining my feelings about my bloody situation, she told me "Welcome to the machine", yes Dolo is bilingual...and she speaks fluently english...
I reached, to some extent, a point of no return.

Whether I decide or not, things are gonna change.
The issue is when, where, for how many bucks ?...
Will it be for tha loot, career, luv, great expectations, happiness or just to hang up with myself.


Liza is coming next week, so do K&O...


"Welcome my son, welcome to the machine.
Where have you been? it’s alright we know where you’ve been.
You’ve been in the pipeline, filling in time, provided with toys and’scouting for boys’.
You bought a guitar to punish your ma,
And you didn’t like school, and you know you’re nobody’s fool,
So welcome to the machine.Welcome my son, welcome to the machine.
What did you dream? it’s alright we told you what to dream.
You dreamed of a big star, he played a mean guitar,
He always ate in the steak bar. he loved to drive in his jaguar.
So welcome to the machine."

International man of mystery

Today is a sunny day.
I just woke up, it is 3.00 PM.

I am pretty tired, but still, gonna go out for some appointment.

Next week, I'll work at home, enjoying our flexible-out-of-time schedule. I almost finished the biggest part of my workload.

Next week, I'll begin my gipsy period.
Planning to have some trips to London (Austin), Africa (Rab), Brazil (maybe in september).
Maybe to Dubai, (M-L, I was serious !).


By the way, I (try to) write in an international english for I want to share this with some international homies.



I'm a hunter...

Une autre vie, il est sans doute une autre vie...

Mes dernières sorties me laissent un goût amer de déjà vu, de perte de temps et d'agacement grandissant.
Je n'ai plus envie de refaire de ce genre de choses.

De deux choses l'une, je vais trop vite ou les gens sont trop lents.
J'étais décidée à rester enfermée un temps, me reposer et faire un break pour m'essayer au slow down.
Mais c'était sans compte sur P. et sa fâcheuse tendance à m'appeler à chaque fois que je suis down, me voilà repartie dans de nouvelles aventures.

Ce soir, soirée changement d'ambiance.
Rendez-vous dans une brasserie quasi-parisienne. Au menu : soirée anciens combattants sarcellois, ambiance garantie...
Nouvelles rencontres, dont deux extraordinaires.

Je décide, ensuite, de ne pas rentrer.
Embarquée pour une guinguette, concert brésilien : Pagoge et feu de cheminée. Da bon !
Par hasard, je découvre que cet endroit est tenu par le père de Carole, rencontrée jeudi à mon Q.G.

Embarquée encore jusqu'en discothèque, endroit que je n'avais pas fréquenté depuis Toronto (exception faite pour chez Régine).
Suivre un archéologue c'est toujours une aventure.
Rendez-vous est pris, demain, goûter de fnux à Jardin Public.

Nuit rebeuh bud style.

Encore combien de temps ?

Falsification poppérienne « en bonne uniforme »

Postulat à réfuter :
Le physique est un élément important et même essentiel dans les mécanismes d’attirance et d’excitation sexuelle.
Formulation rigoureuse :
Le physique et son mode d'appréhension, la vue, sont des conditions nécessaires et parfois suffisantes dans la sexualité humaine.

Arguments :
Tout passe par les yeux, c’est un mécanisme animal et instinctif.

Contre arguments avancés en cas d'attaque :
Même si la personnalité et la sensualité sont importantes, le premier contact et donc l’attirance originelle vient de la pupille et donc de l’apparence.



FALSIFICATION

Contre argument :
Et les aveugles ?

Il est trivial de dire que les aveugles ont une activité sexuelle, pour preuve, ils se reproduisent par voies naturelles.
Or ces mêmes aveugles ne voient pas.
Il est donc des mécanismes autres…
Le rôle joué par la vue n’est pas complètement évacué, c’est son importance et son statut de condition toujours nécessaire et souvent suffisante, qui est ici remis en cause.

Le physique et son pendant la vue ne sont donc pas des conditions nécessaires et encore moins suffisantes dans la sexualité humaine.
CQFD


Eléments épistémologiques et méthodologiques : Pourquoi et comment cette falsification ?
Je prends souvent (et de plus en plus) une route détournée pour rentrer du boulot et l’autre jour, en passant devant l’association des aveugles, je me suis retrouvée nez à nez, sur le trottoir, avec un jeune homme…
Contact, quelqu'un nous interrompt, demande son chemin sur une carte et mon charmant interlocteur de lui répondre qu'il est désolée de ne pas pouvoir l'aider, il est aveugle...
Il fallut une intervention extérieure pour me rendre compte, non pas qu’il ne me voyait pas mais qu'il est aveugle.
Le reste fait parti du mythe...

Stumbleine

Ca y est je suis malade...
Trop de tension accumulée, trop de travail, trop tiré sur la corde.

Bla, Bla, Bla...

Pour aider mon corps, ce soir je sors !
Il me faut trouver d'autres sources...les personnes inépuisables sont devenues rares... et sous la pression concurrentielle accrue, le cycle de vie des relations humaines se raccourci rapidement...

Théorie 1 : La vie sociale : une application possible des modèles de chaos ?
Durée de vie estimée d'un endroit de rencontres sociales : 3 semaines
- 1 semaine pour la découverte (de l'astre)
- 1 semaine pour s'habituer et occuper le terrain (et apercevoir l'horizon des évènements)
- 1 semaine pour arriver au fond (la singularité).
Les endroits, comme les personnes, sont identiques aux astres.

Autrefois superbes astres de lumières, ils gonflent de brûler tant d'énergie.
Et puis, un jour de trop avoir consumé, ils explosent vivant ainsi l'apogée de leur luminosité...(on a parfois la chance d'y assister).
Ensuite, de supernova, ils passent au statut de naine blanche.
Et puis, parfois, rarement, une personne a tellement consumé, tellement rayonné, qu’elle exprime cette démesure jusque dans son effondrement et elle ne s’arrête pas à un statut de naine blanche mais happée toute entière par une nature exaltée, elle s’effondre sur elle-même devenant ainsi un trou noir.

Dynamique d’approche :
Attraction étrange : phase d’approche lors de laquelle, on ne sait pas pourquoi mais est attiré.

Intuition : phase pendant laquelle on pressent l’étendue de ce qui nous attend et la puissance des forces en présence.
Abandon ou implication : phase de prise de décision. Ce moment, très court, correspond une sorte de dernière opportunité de retour (le point of no return de Kansas).
- Soit on se laisse happé dans par les forces d’attractions devenant de plus en plus fortes,
- Soit on fait marche arrière avant qu’il ne soit trop tard.

I of the Mourning...



"Boredoms in the bathroom shaking out the loose teeth
Sally's in the stirrups claiming her destiny
And nobody nowhere understands anything
About me and all my dreams
Lost at sea
Jack it up judy set your heart alight
Mayfair mistress of the satellites
Misspent youth- faking up a rampage
To hold off the real slaves
Paid off and staid
And what you never knew
Can never get to you
So fake it
I'll be your stumbleine
I'll be your super queen
And make you
Jukebox fuckup hanging round the drugstore
No matter what you say he'll be back for more
Mommy's in the manger with the little kids
She's got her reasons, got my forgets
Of tears and idle threats
Misplaced
And no matter what they do
They can't get to you
So fake it
I'll be your stumbleine
I'll be your super queen
And make you me
Come around ruby I could never sleep alone"

Evanescence

Vendredi, fin de cette semaine accablante (Boulot : réveil à 5H45, maquillage, tailleurage, blablabla, démaquillage, remaquillage, re...), fraiche (Méteo: température basse, dépression atmosphérique, départ matin de nuit, retour de nuit) et étrange (Rencontres étranges avec des personnes étranges, j'ai dit "étrange" ?).

Ca y est, on peut dire que je m'essaye à la construction d'habitudes : je tente d'avoir un Q. G., le bistrot sympa où je vais quasi-quotidiennement (en même temps ça dépend des jours ;)), rencontrés des visages désormais connus.

C'est sympa ce genre d'endroit, après une longue journée de boulot :
- le degré d'implication est variable (comme la télé),
- on y est diverti (comme la télé),
- on apprend plein de choses sans avoir à parler (comme la télé),
- on peut boire un verre (comme à la maison),
- on n'a pas à faire la vaisselle (comme au restaurant), ...
Et puis cela permet, sans trop d'implication personnelle et donc de fatigue, de se changer les idées avant de retourner se pieuter, pour se lever tôt, pour aller bosser, pour gagner de la tune à dépenser dans ce genre d'endroit.


J'y suis comme à la maison (que je n'ai pas), entrant parfois et saluant tout le monde, prenant part à différentes conversations, changeant de table, de verre, de sujet (de Sarkozy à Vygotski, en passant par les taux directeurs) et chaque fois être surprise par la bêtise ou la perspicacité de certains...

Et parfois, j'y entre silencieuse, le regard noir, (comme un chat qu'on aurait dérangé dans sa sieste...). Je cherche Ma place, je m'y glisse, observe discrètement, m'étire mentalement et apprécie ce calme et cette tranquillité que cet endroit et les gens présents ont la gentillesse de m'accorder.
Je tourne alors nonchalamment sur moi-même, plusieurs fois, ressent la possibilité d'une place confortable et je m'y installe comme si ma place avait toujours été là...
Et puis tout à coup, un ultra-son, une odeur alléchante, une voix ou un mot dérangeant, …
Et je me redresse, mets mon manteau et mes perdants magnifiques et je m'en vais...




Tout ce calme manque de tranquillité...
Ça me fatigue.

Je veux ma vie évanescente...