L'éternité et un jour

Aujourd'hui,

Debout à 6h00,
je me suis pomponnée,
c'est une belle journée pour mourir avec un superbe décolleté et une jupe au dessus des genoux.
Arrivée à 7h00 chez le notaire,
attente de 2h00, dont 10 min dans un café au bar, le chaland avait l'air intéressé.

Le notaire est très "distingué",
son clerc est torride.

Ce sont eux qui me mettront...à mort.

10h00:
J'apprends qu'une lettre a été envoyée par une personne mécontente de moi.
Je me débats.

11h20:
PM est là dans le couloir à m'attendre,
je suis en retard,
on ne s'est jamais vu mais je le reconnais.
Il est grand et charmant.
Il me reconnait également.
Minutes précieuses et délicieuses.

12H20:
Déjeuner d'affaires cheap.

13H20:
Je suis rassurée par une collègue à propos de la lettre.

13h30:
Travail, pas carnaval.

16h30:
Je rencontre Ch. avec qui je ris un peu,
le boss arrive, on pars en courant...

16h31:
Je suis dans un bureau avec Ch a essayé de rendre service,
le boss entre et me balance la lettre à la tronche.
Exprime plutôt clairement qu'il ne me fait pas confiance et "vous n'existez" plus me dit-il sur un ton méprisant (c'est bizarre c'est l'objet de la plainte, mon ton méprisant).
Il s'en va.

16h35:
Fatiguée par mes dernières mésaventures,
des larmes coulent sur mes joues.
J'ai foutu en l'air mon mascara effet faux-cil YSL,
il va me le payer !

16h38:
Je vais le voir dans son bureau et lui explique que je trouve injuste la manière dont il m'a parlé.
C'est vrai, quoi je fais plein d'heures supp, de déplacements, de samedi et je bosse chez moi le dimanche.
Je voulais qu'il voit le mascara dégouliné sur mes joues.
Ca doit faire drôle de voir une femme comme moi pleurer,
cela arrive une fois tout les 67 ans.
La prochaine fois qu'il verra des amis qu'on a en commun, il faudra qu'il vive avec ça dans la tête.
Et aussi le fait que j'ai pleins de dossiers sur certaines libertés prise dans cette boîte.

"Oulach,
Fallait pas faire du mal à une alsacienne !!!"
(Dixit Les parasites,le film)

18h03:
Je rentre du boulot,
je mets plus d'une heure pour aller chez le médecin.
Je croyais qu'il était con mon médecin,
un peu lourdingue, le type qui se coince les couilles en s'asseyant et qui le dit !!!

Il m'a écoutée,
je me suis confiée, assez facilement, trop facilement,
je dois être à bout.
Il m'a fait un arrêt de travail.
Et puis, il m'a racompagnée et m'a serrée fort dans ses bras !!!

C'était bizarre,
mais c'était ce dont j'avais besoin.

Ce soir je meurs,
demain je revis.

Je ne sais si tu m'oubliras.


Ps: Lo siento tios,
pero ahora hay que aprender un poco frances, porque me joda ser al unica a hacer los efuerzos !
Q os den !
Learn my bloody french!!!

I swear...

that:

- I will take care of myself,
- I will take care of the ones I truly love,
- I will forgive,
- I will enjoy this life,
- I will do more sports,
- I will be healthier,
- I will take more risk for the good,
- I will be myself,
- I will face to the futur and forget the past,
- I will see the glass as half full,



I swear all of that,

for the july the 1st will be the first day of my when-I-will-have-more-time-life.



U can't always get what u want,
but u'll get what u need.

I wish...

that we could do something...

Everything is under control

MLM is a myth...
She seemes so taugh, so self confident, handling everything.

Everybody knows that give a shit to MLM, she will handle it.

I don't think so.
I think that ruling everything cost her as much as us, or maybe more.
She is just courageous and determined.

But now MLM is screwing away...

Just let it go !

I know (and ur friends too) that when u say: "I am ok, I'll be ok"
you mean "I am so sad, I need some help and compassion".

While u think that no one can read ur mind,
Me and your closed friend could,
it is just that we don't want to annoy u with this sentimal bullshit...

I care for u, bloody MLM !!!

All my troubles...

Ain't so far away.

This is Monseigneur Duchesne.
This a member of H.'s family.

When I first heard about him,
I have been told that he used to say about the pope Pie X that was the Venice patriarch:
« C'est un gondolier vénitien dans la barque de saint Pierre : il est naturel qu'il la conduise à la gaffe...»

At this time I was wandering, spending sometimes at H. place.

It was a dark problematic period, so bitter and so sweet...




I just remember what I used to think.

"La lutte elle-même vers les sommets suffit à remplir
un cœur d’homme.
Il faut imaginer Sisyphe heureux."
Albert Camus, Le mythe de Sisyphe [1942 : 168]

Yesterday

Yesterday, I spent the night at H.'s place.
I didn't sleep at all.
I was drunk.
I wanted to die.

This morning I woke up at 5AM took the taxi,
been to paris, meeting at 8AM.
Took the train, now at the office working.

I am so tired...

Freestyle

Brittany
I went to the job interview,
It was weird to speak English in a French institution.

They definitively want me.
They, especially men, really appreciated me, my experience, my work, my eyes and my legs.

They offered me my income more 25 %, plus bonus on objectives assessment.
The interview with the CEO went all the way around,
I spent one hour asking him many questions and trying to destabilise him.
He couldn't look at me in the eyes…
They want me to start on September.

I have to think about it.

The head of the department drove me back to the train station.
This guy managed to talk about sex in the first sentence that he told me in the morning, when he saw that I was reading Merde Happens.
M. is English and nice, odd but nice.

Back to Paris,
In the metro, I faced two girls…full of wake elements.
Fake hair, fake eyes, fake face,
Their face colour was weird…extremely dark compared to the throat.
The darkness came from two elements:
- The use and abuse of make-up wax
- The poor state of their skin, full of dead skin and other impurities (L'Oréal, because we worth it…)

The two of her looked like bitches.

I was there with my CK style…bloody cheap' style.

There is something that happens all the time.
People stare at me and my face, then the look from the up to the bottom.
Then when their eyes arrive to the shoes, they come back directly to the face and they look bloody impressed.

Tall and young, the girl from…


Reims
Today, I am in Reims.
I arrived yesterday night.
I spend the evening with Balantines and MLM.
We had dinner with H. and M. and a young cute fellow.
H's place is a tremendous house.
I spent the night over there.

It felt like being home again.
I was very pleased to see MLM.
I don't really know how to speak about those things.
She is so sad for she lost the one and only, mummy.
But I feel like she is becoming a member of my family.

This morning, I am taking the sun in a café...

How it feels like for a girl that is inbetween ?
Freedom and rest...

Siamese Dream

Last night, I had a dream about F.
I think about F. everyday since 1994.
So he does.

I know myself...
I am so exalted.

"This is the song I've been singing my whole life
I've been waiting like a knife
To cut open your heart
And bleed my soul to you

I did it all for you
You and you and you and you
This is the sound I've been making my whole life
I've been waiting for this night
To clear up all the talk

Althought I'm selfish to a fault
Is it selfish it's you I want You

I did it all for you
This love will stand as long as you
There's really no excuse
I did it all for you

These are the tears I've been crying my whole life
Like an ocean of desire
I'm reaching thru the noise
Across the dusk of time
Within the lilting lies
I am singing out to you"

It sounds like love,
but it is only desire...

Paris-Rennes A/R

I spent the day hanging around in Paris.
When I used to live here, I hated the Champs Elysees,
now, walking through them feels like comin' home.
It was a sunny day,
I had dinner with C&T at their place next to Matignon.

I sent a sms to F.
he answered as he always does.
We have a kind of long run relationship.
His message was sweet and making some interesting suggestions...
He asked me when will he see me naked,
I did not answer, for I wanted to answer "whenever you want",
but then the game will end up.

At the train station,
I saw two girls kissing in a romantic way...
I wish I were also a lesbian.

Now, I am in Rennes.
Good vibes,
- People nice and helping,
- Smiling Cops,
- Handsome guys,
- Friendly girls.

The hotel is great and fancy.
The reception guy asked me if wheter I was here for my studies...
(Isn't he nice, he though I was 20...).

Never been here before.
I think that I can give my Bordeaux life away to come and live here ...
It sounds like I got a life to live here.
If they keep on thinking that I am the person they need for this job.
Serendipity.
Anyway I will leave my life again.

I have played the double jeu

I've seen the deepest darkness
And wrestled with gods
Ride the noble harness
Raining cats and dogs

I've played a double jeu

I am playing in Bretany tomorrow...

Bohemian Rhapsody

Is this real life ?

These days I sit on a fucking chair the whole day, from 8.00 AM to 7.00 PM.

I hear people telling me about their life,

telling me lies, telling me why they are so different, so special, so fanstatic...

It officially takes half an hour to decide who is in or out.

Actually it takes me one sentence.

Stigmata of their past.

My ears is full of "I am curious, special, interesting, clever, funny, competent..."

My eyes are full of young, tall, short, blond, brown...people.

But only some remains in my mind... (Q. is one of them).

I love to be weird, unexpectedly kind and nice, smile, kidding and then,

rude like hell.

To play to Bohemian as I am termed by most of my friend.

I'd like to make social and psychological experiments...

Saturday the 21th

Today, I am working.
It is Phase'birthday and the first day of Summer.
It's also "la fête de la musique".

Yesterday I met a beautiful odd dark soul,
1m83, dark blond, short hair, darkblue-eyed...
Sweet and bitter.

My bank advisor is a bloody dumb bitch.

I am going to Paris tomorrow and I'll shave.
C.K. Style.

Today start the beginning of something new,
I can feel it,
una tormenta que se adelanta.
Pero acuerdate que siempre amenece me dice Verena.

I am getting better,
My flat is an awfulmess,
I don't really live here,
I just sleep for few hours.

Crei mi hogar apagado...
Revolvi la ceniza,
me queme la mano.

I want to break free

Ceci, Cela:

I spend the week thinking about staying in this city, leaving again...
I am bloody performant for any task but my own life.
Yesterday has been a long day.
With a lot of problems, I don't buy anymore.
I am still jet lagged.

My insurance guy told me how bankable he is,
and how married he is.
He explained me how easy going is an affair with this kind of person.
I find him attractive...and odd but still attractive.

Today it is Ph.'s birthday...
Happy one !

I had Phase on the phone, she came back from Rio.
She told me how weird to come back to a country ruled by Sarkozy and Carla Bruni,
it was somehow post-modern...

Goodbye Back Bay

In this trip,
I discovered that the young girl that I was flying with was a great woman,
tremandous, nice and sweet...

I am really happy to be one of the people she trusts to show her dark side.
This girl is amazing,
it reminds me that everyone got diamonds inside...

I'll go back to a shitty life,
I think I am gonna change my life,
more jogging, more drugs, more healthy food, more alcohol
more life...

The Space Between

Dave Matthews...

I feel like always being between
two cities, two jobs, two boyfriends, two lives, two cultures,
two flats, two papers, two trips, two days, two years, two moods,
two hair-cuts, two dress-styles, two passions, two trends, two projects...

Pick me up!

State of mind

I like to see inside a city.
Just like inside everything,
to catch the city's state of mind.

Billy joel used to sing the New York State of Mind.
I am in a Boston one.

Peaceful, aware, open and satisfied...

I would say about this city:

She's got a way about her

I don't know why it is

But there doesn't have to be a reason anywhere

Back Bay

On Friday I heard this old song, I wasn't able to remember where it came from.. Yesterday, I did.
I took a limo...
I met John at the legal sea food where we had a huge lobster.
I love Downtown.

I did not work so much, I spent the whole days hanging around,
meeting people and passing by this beautiful city.
Yesterday Afternoon, I have been to the Boston Gay Pride.
It was fantastic.

I love Newbury,
I love Back Bay,
I love south Boston,
I love Cambridge,
...

I dunnot wanna go back.

Boston, MA

As anyone,

I have my days,

you know those days where you feel okay,

you feel that you are great and everybody (especially men) look at you...

You have success,

people pay attention to you.

You feel that you are gorgeous, and that you can do whatever you want.

Well, I discovered that I also have some cities...

And Boston is one of those.

It is just as the last time that I have been here,

I like this tremendous, cultural, european, american City.

Yesterday I had a hands' spa from a really handsome guy next to Berklee School (the most famous school of music of the world).

I met some many different people coming from everywhere in the world.

And here, men really stare at me...

This morning I had a cute chat in the lift with a hot guy.

I think that I am the kind of Boston Girl.

I think that I should definitively think about coming over here to live for a while...

Mellon Collie...

My ex is dating his ex-girlfriend...
He is 43 and she is 23...
Meanwhile, he is sending me nice e-mails, saying that he wanted to be my friend and he does not understand why I am so cold.

Yesterday, I met nice people.
Today, I spend a lot of money shopping in DKNY.
I am in the Sheraton' Starbuck,
Listening to Jazz.
it is 33° C. outside and I am freezing.


It sounds like melancolie.

Fly and Kiss

I am flying to Boston with a 32 years old girl.
I said girl, for she looks like a girl.
I think she did not discover make-up, shaving or bra.

She will get married this summer.
The complete opposite of Dolo.

She has been living with her boyfriend for 14 years.
and she knew him even before (still wandering if she knows him in the biblical sense).

I suggest her to go to Las Vegas or wherever and get herself a boywhore or any sextoy,
and spend a whole week end as a real single.
She told me that she "knew" that it was him,
and that she doesnt' need this kind of stuff.


Greener is the grass...

Anybody seen my baby ?

I think that the cat of my ex is getting depressed...



Isn't it ?

Where Do I begin ?

My soul, my heart, my strengh, my failure, my weakness, my burdens...?
What ever...,
I will begin.

...I wished...

I have been there today, he was old and very polite.
He was observing me...but he could not stand the way I staring at me straight in the eyes.
He asked some questions, I did answer.
I was about to cry first, then I was about to laugh...

I had to make a choice :
1. To speak up my soul
I knew exactly what I had to say to be free,
I know exactly what is wrong with me...
But I was not able to speak.
I was frozen, I couldn't talk.

2. To play the divine Comedy
I also knew how to manipulate him,
what to say to make him think what I wanted him to think.
I said things that made him think that he was more clever than me,
that he was handling the situation,
that I was a poor lost little girl that intellectualize too much

I naturally choose the second option...

He told me to call him in order to set a new appointment,
I told him: "Of course, I will call you",
I didn't mean it.
I think that I don't need him,
that he is so bad that he was not able to see through me,
inside of me, beyond this good and evil...

Tomorrow, I'll leave from here for a while,
I would breath.
I'll take the plane & shave...

Rain falls on everyone

After a sunny day
Rain is falling.

Today at my office, I realized something.
Most of women are assistants...
They think that because I am a woman and I am kind with them, I am like them.
I am very sorry for I am not at all like them.
I am from those vegetarians who only eat roses,
and if my thoughts interested you just for a second,
you are lost.

Those women are so basic,
they only think about their hair, their dress, their house, husband and children,
their fitness club, the gossip, their colleagues life, their own little desperating problems...

I didn't wanna realize that some humans do not really think.
They are like rats...
Behaving in a pavlovian way,
It is spring, let's put on diet,
It is summer, let's take the sun,
It is winter, let's go to the spa,
My husband is leaving me for a younger, funnier silly bitch and it is too fucking late in my life,
Let's make as if nothing and let's make some surgery...

One of them, the smartest (which means that because she is older, the others think that she is more clever...)
F. is 50 years old,
she dresses as she was a teenager,
she is anorexic,
she is so happy for she is living an eternal youth...

I am getting desperate...
At my office, I usually have to face to dumb old guys
telling what I have to think.
French system, where old native guys with a big belly are always considered more clever than a minority-tall-dark-hair still-young girl.

Today, I start to pack.
I love packing, it gives me hope.

In the mood for Bedtime Stories

When Madonna meets Bjork, thy will be tremendous feelings...

Today is the last day that I'm using words
They've gone out, lost their meaning
Don't function anymore

Words are useless, especically sentences
They don't stand for anything
How could they explain how I feel

Stumbleine

Stumbleine :

(a) What you feel immediately after your significant other tells you he doesn't want to be with you because of 108 miles.

(b) A hopeless, dreamy, yet clumsy girl who is somebody's sweetheart. She is gentle and she is loved.

(c) A song from the Smashing Pumpkins...

Boredoms in the bathroom shaking out the loose teeth

Sally's in the stirrups claiming her destiny

And nobody nowhere understands anything

About me and all my dreams

Lost at sea

Jack it up judy set your heart alight

Mayfair mistress of the satellites

Misspent youth- faking up a rampage

To hold off the real slaves

Paid off and staid

And what you never knew

Can never get to you

So fake it

I'll be your stumbleine

I'll be your super queen

And make you

Jukebox fuckup hanging round the drugstore

No matter what you say he'll be back for more

Mommy's in the manger with the little kids

She's got her reasons, got my forgets

Of tears and idle threats

Misplaced

And no matter what they do

They can't get to you

So fake it

I'll be your stumbleine

I'll be your super queen

And make you me

Come around ruby I could never sleep alone.

Tear me apart

I don't really cry.
But I know how to make people cry,
even taugh guys...
I can even cry on demand.
But I don't cry like the other human beings, to show my emotions.

Those days, I wanted to cry but I wasn't able, even on demand.
I was as frozen inside.
I have made so many people cry around me, without wanting it.
It was as if I was watching a TV. It was cold and unreal. NO compassion at all.

Then, today, I have cried...
till I was not able to breath,
I cried and stayed quiet.
I explored my sadness and the solitude of my soul.

Then I went to the cinema
just to be sure that my life was a divine comedy.

My question is will I finally manage to be myself ?

No shit

It was in the winter of my fiftieth year

When it hit me I was really alone

And there wasn't a hell of a lot of time left

Every laugh and touch I could get

Became more important

Strangely, I became more bookish

And my home and study meant more to me

As I considered the circumstances of my death

I wanted to find a balance between joy and dignity

On my way out

Above all, I didn't want to take any more shit

Not from anybody

I love Burt Bacharach

He wrote :
On My own, Say a little prayer, Raindrops, Do you know the way to San Jose, The look of love,
I just don't know what to do with myself, Walk on by, ...

This morning when I woke up, R. was gone.

Coward

R. is reading in the living room.
I just came over.

I wrote him a letter,
I'll wait till he will fall asleep and I'll put it the table.

I wrote that I want him to go, and leave my keys.
I told him that I don't want him here anymore,
and said that I am sorry.

I really can't stand his presence anymore.
Sometimes I am so courageous,
but this time I am a coward...

Aerobic ?

Back in those days

When I was living in Paris,
having a bloody good time with Chouchou at la rue des lombard.
When I was cleaning with K. his flat, only wearing underwears (which is termed "porno chacha" in spanish),
listening to When the rain begins to fall...

When P. and I were sleeping in K. flat.
When the owner came to the K. flat and while entering, faced the vietnamiese fucked by a big black guy... this was so funny...

When we went to la démence.

When we had the tremandous party before I left to danemark and I discovered the real Paris night in a huge bathroom.

When we were doing Aerobic 3 or 5 times on a week

Too young to die, too rich to care,
too fucked to swear that I was there...

Pantomime Horse

I was born as a pantomime horse

Ugly as the sun when he falls to the floor,

I was cut from the wreckage one day

This is what I get for being that way,

Well did you ever, did you ever go round with them?

Well did you ever, did you ever go round the bend?

I was conned by a circus hand

Tragic as the son of superman,

'i would die for the stars' she said

This is what I get for my beautiful head,

Well did you ever, did you ever go round with them?

Well did you ever, did you ever go round the bend?

...ever tried it that way, have you ever tried it that way?

Naked Eyes

Oh my, naked eyes
I should have kept you, I should have tried,
I should have been a wiser kind of guy
I miss you

Give me wings
Give me space
Give me money for a change of face
These noisy rooms and passion pants

I loved you

Where's the morning in my life?
Where's the sense in staying right?
Who said time is on my side?
I've got ears and eyes and nothing in my life
But I survive your naked eyes
I'll survive

You alone across the floor
You and me and nothing more
You're the great mistake I never made
I never lied to you, I hated when you lied
But I'll survive your naked eyes
I'll survive

Beatle boys, all snowy white
Razzle dazzle clubs every night
Wish I'd sent a Valentine
I love you

I'll survive
Naked eyes

Sticky R.

When I said to R. that he can come at home for a while,
I was so nice.

Every evening he is waiting for me for dinner that he had prepared.
Each time that I come to my flat, he is behind the door, opening it and saying bloody hello.
Leaving me notes on the morning, wishing me a bloody good day...
Everytime that I am working, he is hanging around,
talking to me or staring at me.
He always trys to act like in a bloody american sitcom where everyone is so happy.
He is so nice that he become a fella of my ex...

I have to move on july to my next house,
I don't know how but he is coming to live with me !

But now I really want him to leave !!!!

I think that I am gonna consider more seriously the job offer.
I think that he will have to leave the city to escape from him.

I want my loneliness and my darkness back,
I am a rude, unhappy misbehaving girl.
AND I LIKE IT !

In the mood for...